By Dick Wolfsie, author The Right Fluff (Blue River Press 2014) and Mopey Dick (Blue River Press 2011) The following is an excerpt from The Right Fluff used by permission of Blue River Press).
Self Deposit Box
The other day, this personal relationship I have with this wonderful staff [at my bank] was threatened by some new technology. Apparently, I no longer have to visit the bank several times a week to make deposits. Instead I can do it by simply clicking a photo of the check with my smart phone, a transaction that can be completed in the privacy of my home. All I needed to do was download an app, regardless that it would seriously cut into the quality time I spend with the only four people in Indiana who, at 9:05 in the morning, find me even mildly amusing.
“YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR BUNS OFF” Richard Simmons, celebrity fitness guru
“DICK WOLFSIE MAY BE THE FUNNIEST MAN IN INDIANA” Mark Katz, humorist, and author of Clinton & Me: A Real Life Political Comedy
I couldn’t wait to try this. My wife was very suspicious of the new system as she often is of high-tech stuff. But I convinced her this was perfectly safe, comparing the process to making deposits at an ATM. “Think of the app like a pneumatic tube at the drive-up window,” I told her. I didn’t have a clue what that meant. Ditto, Mary Ellen.
“Hold the check steady and I’ll take a photo of it,” I instructed my wife, as I grabbed the camera phone.
“Not the way I look, Dick. Wait until I put on some make-up.”
“You’re not going to be in the picture Mary Ellen. They only want the check.”
“Don’t they need a photo ID?”
“Very funny. Okay, I’ll hold the check at arm’s length and snap it myself.”
I handed the cell phone immediately to my wife for her approval. “Is that a good picture of the check?” I asked.
“No, but it’s a great photo of your thumb. At least I hope it’s your thumb.”
I was determined to do this correctly, so I taped the check to the fridge, stood back and tried again. I didn’t get quite what I wanted, but I now had a great shot of me staring blankly at a refrigerator door. This selfie thing could catch on.
I tried a few more times, but I kept getting error messages that my photos were fuzzy, the camera wasn’t steady, or the amount wasn’t legible. I never got this kind of flak from Brad, Sarah, Miranda or John at the bank, so why was I putting myself through this?
I went back to my branch and told the entire staff that I preferred their outstanding customer service to using some cell phone gadgetry. I plan to continue banking there on a regular basis. Unless I can find an app that will laugh at my jokes.
Dick Wolfsie is the world s cheeriest curmudgeon.